I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. Nike Air Jordan Cheap Wholesale . In Europe, top teams seem to be largely happy with their squads after spending nearly $1 billion in the off-season. And although English league clubs are unlikely to splash cash in January, Arsenal and Chelsea could be tempted to strengthen their squads with new strikers. Wholesale Cheap Jordans Online . -- The Denver Broncos retired John Elways No. http://www.airjordancheapsale.com/ .Y. -- Phil Jackson lost out on his preferred coach, but hes working hard on keeping his star player. Cheapest Jordans Online .com) - The Minnesota Twins made it official on Wednesday, announcing the signing of outfielder Torii Hunter to a one-year contract. Nike Air Jordan Sale Cheap . City has reached new heights under manager Manuel Pellegrini as they transition from big spending/immediate impact to perennial contender. Yaya Toures seeming discontent Tuesday may complicate that, as does the little issue of Financial Fair Play.Virat Kohli and AB de Villiers lit up the IPL for the second time in three days to power Royal Challengers Bangalore to a nine-wicket victory over Kolkata Knight Riders at Eden Gardens. Kohli (75no off 51) and De Villiers (59no off 31) pummelled an unbeaten 115 for the second wicket, having each scored centuries while smoking a T20 record partnership of 229 during Saturdays thumping win at home against Gujarat Lions. Virat Kohli and AB de Villiers impressed Dominic Cork and Mahela Jayawardene after their performance for Royal Challengers Bangalore Chris Gayle (49 off 31) also returned to form - the Jamaican had notched just 19 runs in five IPL innings prior to the match - as Bangalore reached their 184 target in 18.4 overs to move to within two points of the play-off spots and second-placed Kolkata.Gautam Gambhirs 31st score of fifty or above in the IPL - a record he shares with Sunrisers Hyderabad skipper David Warner - helped Knight Riders post 183-5 from their 20 overs after Bangalore elected to bowl.Gambhir (51 off 34) put on 76 with Manish Pandey (50 off 35), but Knight Riders stumbled once their skipper was run out by Shane Watson, falling from 90-1 to in the 11th over to 125-5 in thhe 16th.dddddddddddd Gautam Gambhir scored fifty - but dropped Kohli However, Andre Russell (39no off 19) - who later picked up a leg injury while bowling - and Shakib Al Hasan (18no off 11), biffed an unbeaten 58 from 28 balls, during which time Shakib was dropped by Sreenath Aravind at third man.Iqbal Abdulla was the best of the Bangalore bowlers, the left-arm spinner shipping just 22 runs from his four overs as well as picking up the wicket of opener Robin Uthappa (2) caught and bowled.Gayle ensured Royal Challengerss reply got off to a flyer, dominating a 71-run partnership with Kohli before he was pinned lbw by countryman Sunil Narine one run shy of a 19th IPL fifty. Chris Gayle hit four sixes up top for Bangalore Kohli then made Gambhir pay for dropping him at point on 32 by thumping his fifth half-century of the campaign - the Indian has also struck three hundreds - and moving past team-mate Gayle and Mike Husseys record of 733 runs in an IPL season.The Bangalore skipper increased his 2016 tally to 752 by the end of the game, while De Villiers sealed the teams victory in the penultimate over by flicking Piyush Chawla past fine leg for four.Catch more IPL action on Tuesday as play-off hunting Delhi Daredevils visit struggling Rising Pune Supergiants. That clash is live on Sky Sports 2 from 3pm. China NFL Jerseys Cheap Nike NFL Jerseys NFL Jerseys Cheap Wholesale NFL Jerseys Cheap Basketball Jerseys Online Stitched Hockey Jerseys Wholesale Baseball Jerseys Football Jerseys Outlet College Jerseys For Sale Cheap MLB Jerseys Wholesale Soccer Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys For Sale Wholesale NFL Jerseys ' ' '